Tag Archives: worry

Another Transition, or Find Something Else to Do

Hard to believe this has happened, but I shouldn’t be all that surprised. With the  chaos and instability in my workplace, it was probably only a matter of time until my turn came. So here it is, I’m looking for employment again. My therapist tried to prepare me for the prospect of losing my position, but I hoped I could ride out the wave of multiple discharges and frequent boss replacements. So here is a over-educated, middle-aged nurse with a variety of experience looking for a new position. Just have to put on my smile and positive attitude and try to minimize why I happen to be unemployed at the moment. I’m sure that prospective employers will understand, right?

Now I also have time to get back to blog writing. I have definitely neglected my online journaling, and it is an effective way for me to process some of the things that happen in my life. Perhaps I can spend some time figuring out my smart phone too. Somehow it’s supposed to improve my quality of life, but I haven’t plunged into the world of apps. I’m sure life will be oh so much better once I conquer the phone.

There never seems to be enough time to do all the things that need to get done when you aren’t working. Time flies when you are unemployed. Perhaps I won’t have time to pursue much else, but I’ll keep busy, I’m sure. Somehow, I think I’ll make this transition to new work…at least I can be positive about it.

The Price of Health

I just need to rant a bit about the cost of health insurance. Having been between jobs, I have had the misfortune of paying for my health insurance through COBRA. To maintain health insurance for myself and my son is costing me approximately $1200 per month. That’s just obscene. And yes, I have tried to apply for an individual policy and have been rejected twice due to having “too many medical problems.” I’m guessing having any problem is too many for an insurer. They only want to insure the perfectly healthy of course. I didn’t choose chronic illness. I didn’t choose to have to take three different and expensive medications to manage my Depression. It’s not like I have cancer or something really expensive to treat. Of course they probably look at the possibility of needing medication, therapy and the potential for hospitalization as just too much risk.

So, needless to say, I am a bit depressed about the enormous amount of money I am spending on insurance. And I still have copays for medications (ranging from $15-60) and for doctor visits ($30). So I am probably spending more like $1400-1500 a month on health care. I truly can’t understand why we can’t have universal health care.

I’ll be using up almost all of my pitiful retirement account to pay for the insurance for the next three months…until I can get on my new employer’s plan. I just hope I don’t have any really serious health problems in the meantime. They say that’s how most people lose their homes, etc. is due to catastrophic illness/injury. I’ll just have to say my prayers.

Overwhelmed by the News

Twenty-Four hour news is such a bad idea. We get inundated constantly with information and the news is generally negative in nature. When is there ever any good news? They don’t have time to report that. I always said I would subscribe to a station that showed only good news. It would be so refreshing to hear about people who do good things for each other, not just as an aside or filler to all the bad news that gets reported. That would be fair and balanced don’t ya think?

Problem is it is so easy to get caught up in the world’s tragedies and the quagmire of our government that it adds to one’s depression. Makes me want to stay in bed! Where is the hope? I’m not saying we need  news “lite” or should minimize what is going on in the world. Perhaps it is just too much for some of us to handle in large doses. I know I can’t take too much, because I tend to internalize it and hold it. I can’t walk around with the weight of the world on me, I can’t carry it, I can’t change the world. I can only influence my little circle. Since the news rarely addresses my issues, perhaps I should just shut it off altogether. I feel like that would be the putting my head in the sand approach.

It is of course all about finding balance. As usual. If someone who has depression has been able to find a balance without being overwhelmed by the news, I’d love to hear about it.

Holding Patterns

Sometimes I just feel like I’m in a holding pattern. Like an airplane circling above its destination waiting to land. I never seem to have my life completely together or balanced. For example, work is going well, but my personal life may be in shambles. So work could probably be even better if  my home life were not in disarray.

Right now, I’m making progress in therapy getting my head together. Unfortunately, my love life is down the drain and the rug was recently pulled out from under me at work. So needless to say, I feel unbalanced. I would really like to know what it feels like when everything is going right all at the same time. Is that possible? Is that what normal is? How long do I have to wait to land?

Paranoid or Just Insecure?

So for instance, let’s say there was a situation where someone commented on an event that directly affected you, but they should have no knowledge of the why or how…should you feel paranoid, or just assume they are intelligent enough to guess at the circumstances that transpired because they were indirectly involved? Oh, this sounds so mysterious, but all parties shall remain unnamed so as not to incriminate anyone. Let’s just say I’m a little torked over something that happened this week at a place I spend a lot of my waking hours.

I’m not very good at office politics. I just don’t play games, I’m direct and to the point (I think I’ve mentioned that before). I think this is usually a good trait, and I use it judiciously. I don’t blurt inappropriately, and I do try to make a point of thinking before I speak. However, I have been known to be too direct. This apparently offends some delicate sensibilities. I’m working on that.

I’ve found some work environments  are places where you find yourself looking over your shoulder. Who’s watching? Is someone checking my work? Do they trust me? I generally take pride in my work, and want to be noticed for doing a good job. I think everyone likes a little pat on the back once in a while. But having to deal with Depression already gives you a sense of insecurity worrying about what others think of you. An unstable or chaotic work environment can just contribute to feelings of paranoia. Who wants to get up every morning and be sick with worry about their employment status?

Most often it has to do with the personalities and attitudes of the people in the workplace. Just a few people can make for a good or not so good work environment. Even one person in a position of power or who happens to be friends with the boss can affect the tenor of the office.

So, what to do? One can work to find a niche that suits them and steer clear of any conflict or troublemakers. One could also face the challenges head on and hope for the best. It can always be a gamble to play the office politics game. There really are never any winners and the power players can turn on you in a heartbeat. And always is the option to walk away. The grass is not always greener either, we all know that cliché. You can find yourself in the same situation with different players. It’s never an easy decision, just one more reason to feel less than secure.

Still Struggling

I’m still struggling with being open with others, finding a balance between being friendly and aloof. I feel like I am just matter of fact, tell it like it is kind of person. But apparently that is off-putting to some. I am “unapproachable.” My therapist says I can work on this. Somehow I must have missed the lesson on how to make nice at work. One of my issues is fear of getting hurt. I’ve experienced so much emotional pain due to relationships that I just don’t want to get that involved with people. But my therapist says I can be cordial and warm without getting too deep. I’m going to try to work on that. I sure do better with writing than talking.

Sometimes I wish I could have a personality transplant, because I feel Depression has shaped my personality in a negative manner. It certainly has changed my worldview and it has affected how I see myself as well. Nothing seems clear, and I can’t even trust my judgement or perception. So can I really rely on others opinions either? Should I trust others as being sincere, or am I being set up for a fall? Hard to tell, and no one to ask. Feel like I am right back at the beginning, and I thought I was making progress…

Making Mistakes

If you have made serious mistakes, there is always another chance for you. What we call failure is not the falling down, but staying down.—Mary Pickford

I know as a depressed person and a perfectionist, I take my mistakes way to seriously. Actually I do everything I can to avoid making mistakes, perhaps by not taking risks that could be beneficial. I HATE TO BE WRONG. I feel like it is a personal flaw to be found in error on something, that is how hard I take things. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. I’ve tried to adapt and be more accepting of constructive criticism over the years, but it hasn’t been easy for me. I worry that if I’m down, I won’t be able to get back up again. I often wonder if anyone else has the same feelings?

I’ve worked at trying to adapt the  mindset that mistakes are a learning opportunity, but I am much kinder to others in that regard than I am with myself. I might be holding myself to an impossible standard that no one could realistically attain. I need to work on being kinder to myself. I am likely the only one keeping me down with my skewed views of myself. Just one more thing to work on this year.