I loathe sitting down to pay the bills. And I have been so scattered and forgetful lately, I missed some of the due dates, AGAIN. I think Depression should be an excellent excuse for being late with payments. Sometimes I just can’t get it together. It’s not that I don’t have the money, or that I don’t care, I just can’t get organized and motivated both at the same time and at the right time to accomplish the task. So I get dinged with late fees. I hate that. I really hate that.
Then I signed up for this online budgeting program called Mint.com. It kindly reminds me when I overspend on my budget, or when I am charged interest or LATE FEES. That is just not helpful. I need reminding ahead of time to pay the damn bill. I guess there are programs for that too. I just have to be organized and motivated to set that up. Sometime. Soon. Right after I pay the late fee.
Pray for peace and understanding.
Depression has also graced me with a brain like a sieve…my memory of events past is just horrendous, and my day-to-day concentration and memory tend to be a bit fuzzy at times too. I have a good friend who remembers detailed descriptions of events that occurred 25 years ago, and could probably tell me what I was wearing that day too. I don’t know how she does it, she has amazing capacity to remember. I’m lucky I can remember to return books to the library and get the clothes out of the dryer.
My mind feels like it is always cluttered with information that needs to be sorted out. Like the houses on “Hoarders.” Stuff everywhere, just clutter, some useful, some not, but piled to the ceiling. I have this theory about the brain. I think it is like a sponge, it can only hold so much, ya know? Then something gets squeezed out to make room for something new. I just don’t believe we were meant to retain every detail of life. I have no explanation for my friend, except she is incredibly bright, and must have a bigger sponge, haha.
Anyway, I find myself more often than not, getting easily distracted or sidetracked when trying to do something at home like clean/organize. Then I find myself backtracking from room to room, thinking, “What did I want in here?” Sometimes actually retracing my steps is the only way to “jog” my memory. I feel pathetic sometimes. This is not supposed in my forties, but maybe I can blame it on menopause too. I think the medication makes be a little foggy as well. Besides taking antidepressants, I take anti-migraine medication which contributes to brain funk. I just don’t have much going for me on the chemistry side!
It is embarrassing though, when people ask if you have read anything good lately, and you can’t remember the title or author of anything you have read in past six months. Not only do you feel like you have Alzheimer’s, but you feel like an ignoramus too because people think you don’t read!
I try to exercise the gray matter with word games and such, not really sure if it helps, but at least it’s fun. I also look for challenges at work that are off the beaten path of what I usually do. I hope these things keep my brain somewhat nimble and in working order. In the meantime, I’ll just have to put up with the lapses.