Tag Archives: Intimate relationship

Trusting Others

We’re never so vulnerable than when we trust someone – but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy. — Walter Anderson

I know I’ve talked about trust before, but I was provoked to think about it some more. Seems I don’t have very good radar when it comes to who I can trust. Matter of fact, my trust has been misplaced more than once I must say. So, how does one work on developing that sense that helps you determine if someone is trustworthy? I used to think that I could just avoid putting my trust in anyone. I had been burned in the past and thought that I would just avoid relationships altogether. That didn’t solve much as far as trust is concerned. I avoided one kind of relationship, but still wound up in a relationship that was not in my best interest.
Then I thought perhaps I should just be an open book and think the best of everyone. Not a good approach either. I found inevitably that I would be disappointed. This probably applies to relationships and other aspects of life (like work). So why don’t I get the red flags or some kind of warning sign that I am being too vulnerable? I’m sure it has something to do with self-esteem as well. I need to think more of myself and that I deserve better than how I have been treated. I need to find the middle of the road when it comes to trusting others. How do I question other’s motivation without offending? My nature is to help others (I am a nurse after all) but I need to be cautious in my dealings. People aren’t always what they seem to be…

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Allowing Others to Influence Your Mood

I think it is impossible to not be influenced by others when it comes to your mood. Being around positive people is in itself uplifting, being around those who are down can bring you down. It’s important to be strong enough in yourself that you aren’t completely thrown off-balance by someone else’s influence. But again, it is easy to allow intimate relationships to influence how you feel. So if you are in a bad, or even mediocre relationship, it will impact your depression. I was in one of those for a time, and it definitely affected me in a negative manner. But where is the risk if you have the opportunity to have a good relationship, built on equality and mutual understanding? Just something to think about.

Serial Monogomy

Serial monogomy…what do I have to show for it??? Well, the marriage produced my son, but besides that, I have plenty of broken dreams and missed opportunities. And here I am at another breaking apart. Were we ever really joined? That is the million-dollar pick the right suitcase/door/strategy question. I think he was always holding back, and such a troubled soul to begin with, I could never love him enough to fix all the hurt and resentment and anger he carried around inside him. Maybe others knew that already, but I wanted to try so hard to make things good, to make things right for both of us. Two broken people, not the thing on which to try to build a happy relationship. So the past seven years have been a raucous emotional rollercoaster at a nightmare themepark. Oh, there were certainly good times. But not enough to sustain. The ugliness of the past, just subsumed anything good we had, kept it down like we were struggling in a tar pit.

So, now I am alone. This is something new, I have not been alone, sans relationship as an adult. But I already felt pretty alone in my relationship, so I don’t know that it will be a big difference emotionally. I just wish I didn’t feel like I keep failing. I feel like time is passing me by, and perhaps I will remain alone because no one will want to be with me. That is the scariest thought to ponder, maybe it’s the reason for the great delay in breaking up in the first place.

This is when the Depression creeps in and makes you think negative thoughts like perhaps you are unloveable, or just too difficult to get along with; maybe I’ll just stay in bed a while and consider my options. Chocolate is always a good option, and I do have the loyalty of one obnoxious dog.

Looking Forward

Or, How do I want my life to be different next year from this year…

This post isn’t about making new year resolutions. This is a serious proposal from my therapist that I am contemplating about making changes. Sounds similar, but I think I am supposed commit to long-term change in behavior, particularly in my relationships. That’s a tall order. What do I want to be different? I always joke about wanting a “do over” of the last 20 years. I think I would have done many things differently. But now I’m just trying to live in the present and accept circumstances as they are, and make the best of it. Sounds sooo simple, haha.

One of the things we talk about is happiness. I should be looking forward to being happier than I have been this year. Not sure that I’ve been very happy at all this year. A number of things have contributed to this, some of which I have already discussed on this blog. Yet I fear change as much as I welcome what it could bring. Primarily I fear the confrontation and discord that will be the result of implementing change in my relationships. Inertia is soooo much easier to maintain. I’m afraid of hurting others, because I know what it’s like on the receiving end of that kind of emotional pain. But things just can’t continue this way for me. Courage, cowardly lion!

Besides changing relationships, there are likely other areas I could be working on that would contribute to my happiness. I have neglected my spiritual life as of late, and would like to address that too. Not necessarily religion per se, as I’ve become rather jaded about hierarchical patriarchy style organized religion (did I qualify that enough to confuse even myself?). I imagine I do need some structure of sorts, but I’m finding it very difficult to find a place to “belong.” That’s kind of a universal theme for my life!

I’ve decided not to buy into the fallacy of “work/life balance” because it doesn’t make logical sense. Who wants to spend an equal amount of time at work as they do outside of work? Particularly when we have to spend nearly half that time sleeping??? I think I’ll focus on controlling my work hours and not “donating” my time to my multi-million dollar employer.  Salary shouldn’t mean sacrifice! My current/new job seems to fit in realistically with my philosophy of “work to live, not live to work.” Now to keep it that way.

It’s all sounding more and more like resolutions as I commit to, well, not paper, but to blogosphere. But I think I still have more soul-searching to do on this topic. I’m off to cogitate on my future happiness!

 

 

Blue Most of the Time

Blue Morning, Blue Day  – lyrics by Foreigner

Out in the street it’s 6 am, another sleepless night
Three cups of coffee, but I can’t clear my head from what went down last night
No we won’t have our own little ways, but somehow we keep it together
You hear me talk, but you don’t hear what I say, I guess it don’t even matter

Blue morning, blue day, won’t you see things my way?
Blue morning, can’t you see what your love has done to me?

Sometimes you can be with someone and still be so alone. So contradictory but  what I am living now. And apparently I’m the only one who sees it or sees it as an issue. Terribly frustrating. I feel like I have failed at intimate relationships as well, since I seem to make such bad choices, and none of my relationships have lasted past 6-7 years. I want to move forward in a number of ways, and apparently I have to do it on my own.

Relationships…or More “High School in My Head”

Everyone easily says don’t worry about what other people think, but that is so not easy for a depressed person. We just obsess over what we say or don’t say or should have said and what other people think about it. How we relate to others is a big part of our illness and a big part of how people understand or don’t understand what we are dealing with…which is why I love the Facebook category for “relationship” because my all-encompassing response is, “It’s Complicated.”

Let’s just say therapy was reeeealy rough this week talking about my intimate relationships. Not doing so hot at picking them was the conclusion. Guess because I don’t really choose, I just fall into them. That is all I want to say on that subject for now, because it’s pretty raw, and I’m still working through a lot of details, eeek.

I want to focus more on friendships, coworkers, family relationships. Absolutely loaded subject for people everywhere, not just us chronically melancholy types. Work can always be a minefield. Especially when you are the newbie. Just trying to figure out the culture of the organization, and where you fit in is a big enough challenge…don’t want to make a major gaffe by saying something inappropriate. I think it’s easy enough to avoid edgy jokes and surfing questionable websites during your introductory period, but what about speaking up in meetings, preparing reports or giving feedback? Generally I feel like when hired, they like me for my intelligence and experience, and value my opinion. So it’s hard to temper that with saying just the most “politically correct” thing, or avoiding being in any way controversial or questioning the status quo. Then, what can you say without worrying about having to process it through the “what will they think about this?” filter. By the time you do all that in your head, the moment to join the conversation has passed and the group has moved on to something else. There you sit, worrying what they think about your lack of response! Arrgh. When you do say something, it winds up being an unfiltered blurt, and either people don’t respond and just continue talking, or the room goes quiet like you just had a Tourette’s moment. Oh boy, that sucks.

 Eight hours a day you need to have your guard up, so you don’t screw up by saying something stupid and have people talking about you. Just what you need, is a little paranoia that people are talking about you and are looking to get you to go with the generalized anxiety about work! Always good to build some friendships at work if possible, so you have a sounding board to let you know when you are having a mental meltdown. Just be sure that they are people you trust and who understand and accept your illness. It would be presumptuous to just put it all out there and hope for the best. Feel people out before you give your whole self exposure.

Friendships are so very important in managing Depression. Again, it’s that support system that let’s you know what is good thinking and what is abnormal and when you need to do something about it. When you feel all alone, Depression becomes worse. Not a good place to be. Ever. Sometimes you do reach out, and people just aren’t available, being busy with other obligations. You don’t want to whine and be needy, it’s so unbecoming. That’s when it’s good to have family to lean on as well.

Oh family. Love them, but they can make you miserable at the same time. I think I count on my sister the most. She understands my illness the most, sort of walked a “mile in my moccasins” you might say, but a totally different road. There is a six-year age difference between us, so for  several years, we didn’t have much in common. But we both grew up, and we became the closest of friends. It’s a relationship I count on when things are rough and when times are good. I know she will be there for me. And I know I can say just about anything without worrying that she is going to judge me. And there are no head games. Matter of fact, we can commiserate about the head games others play, and try to figure out how to make our way in this big bad world.

This post has turned out way too long, but I think it’s so important to understand how crucial relationships are, and how depressed people struggle to initiate and maintain them. It’s never easy for us, but if we trust you, be assured that it will be a deep and lasting relationship. Unless you betray us. That’s a different post.