Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
Can’t put my finger on what the problem is, but I’ve been highly unmotivated as of late. Which is aggravating in itself, because right now I have a lot of time on my hands and should be accomplishing many things. I don’t feel particularly depressed at the moment, and can’t say I’m having any major physical problems to distract me. So what the heck is wrong with me? I just bumble along, as the days pass by, and feel like kicking myself for not getting anything accomplished.
Don’t get me wrong, I do manage to get the important stuff done, like bathing, dressing, taking care of business, etc. I’m talking about projects around the house, crafts I want to do, blog posts I want to write, and so forth. I just can’t seem to get started. Once I start, I’m usually ok and can carry on. I just don’t seem to be able to get the fire lit.
Perhaps they need to work on a pill for that. I seem to be a testament to better living through chemistry, so why not one more? Caffeine sure doesn’t seem to be doing it for me, haha. Mom says I should make lists, then I will have the joy of crossing things out as I complete them. And I should probably stop wasting time on the internet with things like Stumble Upon and Pinterest. Although I have been inspired by what other people are doing with their talents. I look at all the amazing things going on out there and think to myself that I should be pursuing creative endeavors too! Somebody change my spark plug or something, I need a push…
Been a while since I’ve posted and I have no excuse. Not much excitement in my life, kinda blah. Not in an emotionally negative kind of way, just not much happening in my life to be writing about. So I was thinking about love today. Not just romantic love, but the sweetness that is good friendship. Something that I think that is even harder to find.
I was reminded of how nice it is to have this sweetness today. A coworker said she wanted to skip today, due to “lack of interest.” Each of us is a beautiful individual deserving of love. And perhaps that love will come in the form of good friendships with others. My good friend passed out boxes of chocolates to our lovely little group of coworkers and that sweetness shown through. Couldn’t ask for anything more today.
Perhaps we expect too much of certain days, or feel we will only be complete with a romantic relationship. I choose to set aside those expectations for at least today, and enjoy the sweetness of good friendship.
It’s that time of year again…time to celebrate. Perhaps not for everyone though. I’m in a better place this year than last, but some people consistently find the holidays depressing. I think there are too many expectations, either societal or ones we set for ourselves.
Society tells us we should have the perfect holiday…from the decorations to the gifts to the shiny happy family around the tree. I don’t know who that reality belongs to, but I’ve never met them! Apparently if you have the money, you can buy the perfect holiday. Don’t think that is reality either.
My reality is that things aren’t perfect, and we shouldn’t have unrealistic expectations. You just wind up being disappointed and disheartened. And who needs that when you already struggle with a mood disorder. So my plan is that I will just take it as it comes. Perhaps tidy up a little and put up a few decorations. Not stress about getting the “perfect gift.” Enjoy some holiday music. And not let anyone else get me down. How about you?
Surprising to me too, but I was actually told that I looked chipper. I suppose that is a good thing, looking better than you feel. Compliments always make you feel better too. So I guess I must be feeling better as well. As Martha says, “It’s a good thing.”
So perhaps I need an attitude adjustment; start thinking positive and feel better. I think I’ll work on that.
I have been incredibly busy the past six weeks with my new job, hence the dearth of blog posts. I must say this is the very first job that I have had that has been such a positive, uplifting experience. I look forward to each day (despite my lack of morning person-ness) because I know I am going to work in a positive environment.
My boss is the biggest influence on the work environment. He always greets me with a big hello and a smile. Work is about collaboration, not subordination. I feel he respects me and values my opinion. And he is generous with feedback and tells me what a great job I am doing. I don’t ever remember being in such a welcoming environment over my entire 21 year career. Sometimes I think I’m dreaming.
Some people say it’s easier to work for a male boss, which may be true. But being a highly sensitive person, I think it is more than that. We share similar values about work, we interact effectively, quality is important to us and we want to help others in a meaningful way. I hope to learn much from him, and I also hope I can share things with him as well.
Hey, the glass is half-full for a change, and I must say I’m quite pleased about the whole thing. It has made a great impact on my mood as well. My boss sees me as a positive, likeable person, and I’m glad to be feeling that way again. It means all that hard work is paying off.
Now if I can make some progress in other parts of my life….
Everyday part of my routine is to ingest a handful of pills morning and evening. Part of that handful are three specific medications to treat my Depression. One a pretty bicolor capsule, one a small blue pill and one a medium-sized white tablet. Without these, my world would be full of gray, melancholy thoughts, escaping into sleep, and thoughts of suicide. Not a pretty picture for sure. Meds make me feel at least baseline functional. They aren’t “happy pills” by any means. Believe me, I wish there was a pill for happiness, I would be queuing up for that one.
How did I get to be on so much medication? Well, I’ve been on lots of other medications along the way. Started out on the miracle drug Prozac when I was initially diagnosed in 1995. Boy was that a life saver. At the time, I was suicidal and homicidal. Scary even to talk about those really dark days. The thoughts were obsessive, and I felt terrorized day and night. Had the most horrible nightmares too. Plane crashes, fires, murders, any kind of violent mayhem you can think of…it’s any wonder I could cope at all. Prozac took all of this away, so I could participate in therapy and work on things I needed to change. It was such a relief not to have those intrusive thoughts, the kind that make you feel really unglued.
But sometimes the drugs stop working for no apparent reason. So I’ve been through a number of antidepressants to manage my symptoms. I’ve been on four or five different medications between Prozac and my current mix. I’m not one of the lucky ones that can be weaned off medication, but I can say I’ve never been hospitalized. I’ve always kept trudging on, maintaining the status quo the best I can. That is part of my disease, I put other’s needs before my own, so that was one of the main reasons for never checking out…people were counting on me!!!
I understand not everyone benefits or even approves of the use of medication. And I’ve certainly done my share to contribute to the wealth of Big Pharma by taking the newest meds on the market. But medication works for my symptoms, and I need to use them in combination with therapy to get and or stay well.
Wellness is the ultimate goal, right?
Posted in Chronic Illness, Coping, Depression, Happiness, Symptoms, Treatment
Tagged Antidepressant, chronic illness, depression, Happiness, Medication, Mental health, obsess, psychotherapy, suicide
Despite all the things conspiring against me, such as the endless rain, financial concerns and misbehaving dogs, I’m feeling not so bad as of late. I have absolutely no explanation for this, as I have made no changes in any of my habits, etc. Still not eating as well as I should, would benefit from more exercise and socialization, etc. I can only claim to have definitely been sleeping enough and have the affection of two mischievous dogs and one well-worn cat.
No complaints here, I’ll take it. I may not be Sally Sunshine, but I don’t mind being with myself, so I’m sure I’m better company than I have been. Will I ever get past this point I wonder? Is there any more than just feeling OK? I can remember happiness, rather vaguely. It’s been a long time. Will I know it when I see it again? I continue to be hopeful that I will.