Looking Up, At Least Today

The darkness seems to be lifting a bit, which is wonderful. As far as what is improving my mood;, could be a few things. My meds were adjusted a few weeks ago, and I think they are kicking in. Also, wrapping things up at work for the semester and looking forward to better weather. Got a decent tax refund too, so I haven’t been so stressed about finances as usual. So, I’m feeling grateful, even as I look around the house and realize how I have neglected things at home. My goodness, the dust rhinos have taken over! I guess it’s time for some serious spring cleaning.
Time to sweep clean, not just the house but also my old soul. Need to think positive thoughts and stop sleeping my life away. Now to stay motivated. Hope this improved mood today continues…

Advertisements

Holy Crap, Where Have I Been???

Perhaps if I was still blogging regularly I wouldn’t be feeling as melancholic as I have been of late. It is good to get my feelings out, but lately I haven’t been feeling so hot. Got the nurse practitioner to adjust my meds, but the therapist said I shouldn’t expect it to fix all my issues. And boy, do I have issues. I have no motivation whatsoever. Dr. M wants me to get out more and be social, but it’s been hard. I’ve gone to a couple Meetups, but I’m sure I should be getting out more. Just spent another Saturday in bed, sleeping and watching TV all day. And it’s not that there isn’t anything to do. There are always things to do around the house. I feel as if my battery is drained, there just isn’t enough umph to get going. Having problems just trying to finish this post. Even the dogs have become couch potatoes. Ugh. Depression sucks.

It Must be Depression

Hard to believe one lousy little blue pill can make so much difference. And I’m not talking about Viagra either.

I spent 4 and a half months unemployed and UNINSURED. Was spending five hundred dollars a month for my medication, but couldn’t afford that little blue pill (It cost more than all my other meds combined). So I thought I could get by with the two antidepressants I could afford. Alas, I’ve come to discover since being employed and having medical coverage that I really do need that drug. It does make a significant difference in how I feel.

I sure could have used that medication as I have had a lot to cope with over the past four months. Apparently I have been too depressed to blog as well. But I was also dealing with a family crisis. My mom was critically ill and hospitalized for nearly two months. She is recovering quite well now, thank goodness, but I spent many hours by her bedside, thinking and praying. I realize now that perhaps I could have coped better if I had all my medication. Damn biochemistry!

Anyone else struggling?

A Different Mother’s Day

This has probably been the most difficult Mother’s Day that I have ever experienced. No need to pick out a card, or flowers, or some thoughtful gift. My mother has been in the hospital in intensive care the past three weeks, on a ventilator and for the most part unable to respond. She seems to recognize me when I talk to her, and follows me with her eyes, but otherwise is just too weak to interact. This has been extremely difficult, as before this hospitalization, she was relatively well and independent.

So I spent my Mother’s Day sitting at her bedside, holding her hand, and thinking about our relationship. Our relationship has not always been easy. We have had our ups and downs, but recently we have been on an upswing. We have been able to spend some time together recently that has been quite positive. She has been less critical of me, and I have been more open with her. Apparently she told a close friend that she had enjoyed the time we had spent together. That makes me feel pretty good considering our current circumstances.

I’m grateful for this bit of time I could be with my mother. We might not have another Mother’s Day together.

Motivation…Do They Have a Pill for That?

Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
Will Rogers

Can’t put my finger on what the problem is, but I’ve been highly unmotivated as of late. Which is aggravating in itself, because right now I have a lot of time on my hands and should be accomplishing many things. I don’t feel particularly depressed at the moment, and can’t say I’m having any major physical problems to distract me. So what the heck is wrong with me? I just bumble along, as the days pass by, and feel like kicking myself for not getting anything accomplished.

Don’t get me wrong, I do manage to get the important stuff done, like bathing, dressing, taking care of business, etc. I’m talking about projects around the house, crafts I want to do, blog posts I want to write, and so forth. I just can’t seem to get started. Once I start, I’m usually ok and can carry on. I just don’t seem to be able to get the fire lit.

Perhaps they need to work on a pill for that. I seem to be a testament to better living through chemistry, so why not one more? Caffeine sure doesn’t seem to be doing it for me, haha. Mom says I should make lists, then I will have the joy of crossing things out as I complete them. And I should probably stop wasting time on the internet with things like Stumble Upon and Pinterest. Although I have been inspired by what other people are doing with their talents. I look at all the amazing things going on out there and think to myself that I should be pursuing creative endeavors too! Somebody change my spark plug or something, I need a push…

Another Transition, or Find Something Else to Do

Hard to believe this has happened, but I shouldn’t be all that surprised. With the  chaos and instability in my workplace, it was probably only a matter of time until my turn came. So here it is, I’m looking for employment again. My therapist tried to prepare me for the prospect of losing my position, but I hoped I could ride out the wave of multiple discharges and frequent boss replacements. So here is a over-educated, middle-aged nurse with a variety of experience looking for a new position. Just have to put on my smile and positive attitude and try to minimize why I happen to be unemployed at the moment. I’m sure that prospective employers will understand, right?

Now I also have time to get back to blog writing. I have definitely neglected my online journaling, and it is an effective way for me to process some of the things that happen in my life. Perhaps I can spend some time figuring out my smart phone too. Somehow it’s supposed to improve my quality of life, but I haven’t plunged into the world of apps. I’m sure life will be oh so much better once I conquer the phone.

There never seems to be enough time to do all the things that need to get done when you aren’t working. Time flies when you are unemployed. Perhaps I won’t have time to pursue much else, but I’ll keep busy, I’m sure. Somehow, I think I’ll make this transition to new work…at least I can be positive about it.

Sharing the sweetness…

Been a while since I’ve posted and I have no excuse. Not much excitement in my life, kinda blah. Not in an emotionally negative kind of way, just not much happening in my life to be writing about. So I was thinking about love today. Not just romantic love, but the sweetness that is good friendship. Something that I think that is even harder to find.

I was reminded of how nice it is to have this sweetness today. A coworker said she wanted to skip today, due to “lack of interest.” Each of us is a beautiful individual deserving of love. And perhaps that love will come in the form of good friendships with others. My good friend passed out boxes of chocolates to our lovely little group of coworkers and that sweetness shown through. Couldn’t ask for anything more today.

Perhaps we expect too much of certain days, or feel we will only be complete with a romantic relationship. I choose to set aside those expectations for at least today, and enjoy the sweetness of good friendship.