Or, How do I want my life to be different next year from this year…
This post isn’t about making new year resolutions. This is a serious proposal from my therapist that I am contemplating about making changes. Sounds similar, but I think I am supposed commit to long-term change in behavior, particularly in my relationships. That’s a tall order. What do I want to be different? I always joke about wanting a “do over” of the last 20 years. I think I would have done many things differently. But now I’m just trying to live in the present and accept circumstances as they are, and make the best of it. Sounds sooo simple, haha.
One of the things we talk about is happiness. I should be looking forward to being happier than I have been this year. Not sure that I’ve been very happy at all this year. A number of things have contributed to this, some of which I have already discussed on this blog. Yet I fear change as much as I welcome what it could bring. Primarily I fear the confrontation and discord that will be the result of implementing change in my relationships. Inertia is soooo much easier to maintain. I’m afraid of hurting others, because I know what it’s like on the receiving end of that kind of emotional pain. But things just can’t continue this way for me. Courage, cowardly lion!
Besides changing relationships, there are likely other areas I could be working on that would contribute to my happiness. I have neglected my spiritual life as of late, and would like to address that too. Not necessarily religion per se, as I’ve become rather jaded about hierarchical patriarchy style organized religion (did I qualify that enough to confuse even myself?). I imagine I do need some structure of sorts, but I’m finding it very difficult to find a place to “belong.” That’s kind of a universal theme for my life!
I’ve decided not to buy into the fallacy of “work/life balance” because it doesn’t make logical sense. Who wants to spend an equal amount of time at work as they do outside of work? Particularly when we have to spend nearly half that time sleeping??? I think I’ll focus on controlling my work hours and not “donating” my time to my multi-million dollar employer. Salary shouldn’t mean sacrifice! My current/new job seems to fit in realistically with my philosophy of “work to live, not live to work.” Now to keep it that way.
It’s all sounding more and more like resolutions as I commit to, well, not paper, but to blogosphere. But I think I still have more soul-searching to do on this topic. I’m off to cogitate on my future happiness!