Mysteriously and in ways that are totally remote from natural experience, the gray drizzle of horror induced by depression takes on the quality of physical pain.
I HATE getting ill or injured. Of course everyone does. But it seems way worse for me because it aggravates my Depression. I am just miserable. Everything feels ten times worse. Symptoms are exaggerated, pain is amplified, I could just curl up and stay in bed until the thing blows over. How long do you think it would take?
For example, I picked up (sounds like I did it on purpose) a viral illness that gave me a headache, body aches/chills and diarrhea. This lasted about 48 hours. I felt pretty lousy, spent the first part of that time sleeping it off in bed, minimally conscious of the world or of time passing. I made it to work the next day, well medicated and eating very light. But my mood was generally highly sensitive and irritable. Felt like it was very easy for my buttons to be pushed. Even found myself crying to Christmas carols in the car, boo-hooing over the demise of my marriage that ended around this time of year some 15 years ago. Now where did all that come from??? I really think these episodes of acute physical illness trigger something emotional as well, or break barriers down that usually keep things in check. But why? And why now? I think I’ve grieved plenty over the loss of that relationship. And doesn’t everyone feel irritable when they are sick? It just seems so much more heightened for me, I don’t know quite how to explain it. I would like to know if there are others who have had similar experiences and are willing to share.