I have officially established my blog. Harder than it looks, I guess. Title comes courtesy of a few sources; Electric Light Orchestra, creator of sad love songs, Thomas Moore, writer of dark themes, and my latest therapist, who recently called me the “Poster Child for Depression.” I obviously earned that, as I can spend an entire session in her office, quickly welling up tears and honking into tissues. First session she was definitely under-supplied. She hasn’t made that mistake since, and always assures me I may keep the box right beside me. I think that is really funny for some reason, or maybe she wants to be sure I don’t get my snotty hands on her leather couch. She is very kind to me, don’t get me wrong. And that is the essence of the problem, I fear. I am SO NEGATIVE. As Janine Garofalo once said, I see the glass as not only half full, but practically empty. And cracked. And I cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth. Being depressed just gives me a different perspective on life. I guess I didn’t see it as all that horrible, I thought I was fairly functional until just recently…it is so insidious how it just creeps up on you. I was just using the label of “my second language is sarcasm” to get by. I know a lot of people like that. Are they all depressed??? Scary thought.
Like I said, I felt pretty functional, going to work, doing household chores, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc. Looking back, yeah, I have been sleeping more, eating more, feeling sluggish, more headaches. I just thought it was this crazy job and the stress it was causing me. So I got a new job. How could I be depressed but be able to obtain a new job? And then two months later, my negative “attitude” helped me out the door. I don’t think that was the only issue, but, of course my issues have issues. I had already gotten back into therapy, I knew that I was more depressed than usual.
Probably started with the chest pain.